The world is a competitive place. And, as parents, we naturally want our children to succeed at school, in the arts, at sports… at life. But there’s a fine line between encouraging and overbearing. So, how can a parent model balance and teach healthy competition?
As parents, we want our children to feel good about themselves and their abilities, and to have a solid level of self-esteem. However, wanting kids to feel good all of the time is unrealistic and unhealthy. There are times when our children will not be MVP, will not be chosen as the lead in the school play, will not be asked to Prom, or will not be accepted to their top college choice.
Paving the way for inevitable disappointments (as well as successes!) can be challenging, and the path for each child, and for each parent, is unique.
First, what does unhealthy competition look like?
Unhealthy competition focuses solely on winning or being “the best.” The pressure to win is more important than having fun, being part of a team, and learning new skills.
This pressure to “win at all costs” can come directly from the child, from a parent, or from an external source (a sports coach, for example). And, by focusing on a philosophy of “winning isn’t everything, it’s the only thing,” your child misses out on the many positive aspects of competition, win or lose. These include learning teamwork, enjoying self-improvement, and developing a passion for an activity or experience.
This type of unhealthy competitive attitude can lead to cheating behavior, arguments, tantrums, bullying, and ultimately, stressed and unhappy children.
Teach kids that effort is a win on its own
According to the experts at How to Learn, healthy competition “requires teamwork and positive participation. Participants are encouraged to improve themselves and learn a new technique. Winning is just an added bonus.”
When winning ceases to become the central motivation, children are free to pursue their passions. This freedom may spark an interest that lasts a lifetime, rather than create a burned-out child who hangs up the skates, the instrument, or the paint brush, rather than deal with disappointment.
Learning how to compete…against yourself
In the recent article, “Should kids’ soccer games keep score?” at Today’s Parent, authors Ryan Snelgrove and Daniel Wigfield explore the benefits of kids’ sports, purely for sports sake.“Some psychologists have argued that a focus on skill development may be more beneficial than competition for children in sports before age 10… Parents and coaches are reminded that for children to successfully compete in sport they must have learned how to co-operate.”
When too focused on the score, a child may engage in negative, absolute thought patterns. These include thoughts such as, “I’ll never get it right” or, “My team lost the game because I missed that shot.”
Instead of score-keeping, focusing on internal competition – personal bests – helps your child improve skills, and truly enjoy the activity, without overwhelming external pressures. Walking away from a race with the attitude of, “I only came in third” is a very different experience from the same child exclaiming, “I took 21 seconds off my time!”
Since no one can win every time, recognizing achievements along the way allows your child to focus on the positive. Making it to the final round of a spelling bee, having artwork chosen for a school competition, or being named a finalist for a scholarship are all a source of pride and achievements worthy of celebration!
It's essential to learn to lose with grace
Teaching children how to deal with winning is almost as important as teaching them how to deal with losing. And this skill can start at a very young age.
In the recent article “Should you let your kid win?” parenting expert Sara Dimerman explores this universal parental conundrum. Often as parents, we are our child’s first experience with competition, whether it’s playing a board game or “racing” a lap in the pool.
For the youngest children, allowing them to win sometimes is fine. But, allowing them to win all the time sets up unrealistic expectations. Dimerman suggests, “Leave your child some space to be upset and then move on. Later, you can offer words of encouragement that focus on the process rather than the outcome of the game.”
These early lessons set the stage for how children deal with losing as they grow older and must compete against siblings, friends, classmates, and teammates. Learning how to shake hands across the net after a tennis match is a perfect example. Congratulating the winner after an event shows a level of maturity that will stand your child in good stead for the rest of his life.
The benefits of a healthy competitive attitude
We all compete, in one way or another, every day. So, setting your child up with a healthy attitude towards competition is essential. Learning to compete effectively can:
Strengthen relationships. Learning to work cooperatively is a life skill and teambuilding is just as important to a 6-year-old’s T-ball team, as it is to a college band competition.
Improve problem-solving skills. If your child did not succeed, encouraging him to explore why and how adjustments can be made for a better outcome may be the most important lesson of all. The ability to look at the situation from a different perspective, try new tactics, and learn what works (and what doesn’t) is a skill that can be applied in all aspects of life.
Showcase unique skills, talents, and creativity. Through competition, children may discover a hidden talent or skill. For example, your child may not love scoring goals in soccer, but discovers he is a fast runner and develops a love of track and field.
Build confidence. When all is said and done, a strong performance (winning or not) is a great confidence booster!
Keeping competition in perspective
Win, place or show, competition is here to stay. By keeping the activity in perspective however, your child may be disappointed, but will not view a loss as the end of the world or a hit to his self-esteem. Here’s how parents can foster resilience:
Always acknowledge feelings but keep them in proportion.
Add some non-competitive activities to the after-school line up. Some examples include community service, the arts, cooking classes, and nature clubs. Your child may even discover an activity that sparks a lifetime of enjoyment.
Share stories of successful people who have faced significant setbacks and learned to overcome them.
Discuss realistic goals. Reinforce that improvement is not always linear.
Praise effort!
As with all parenting lessons, the most important is to set a good example.
For additional reading
“How Competitions Are Good for Kids,” Psychology Today
“How Toxic Competition Is Ruining Our Kids – and What to Do About It,” US News
“Why Your Child Hates to Lose,” New York Times